But yeah, dont take any of this seriously.
The Fool-Proof Idiots Guide to Becoming a Film Director.
Becoming a film director is one of the easiest things to achieve in life. However before you go running down the street screaming your lungs out that you are going to become the next Spielberg, read on because there is a ‘but’. It fits nicely in to this equation. ‘But’ there are two types of directors, the ‘wannabe’ directors and the ‘showdown’ directors. Technically, as you are reading this book, you are classified as a ‘wannabe’ director. The ‘showdown’ director is classified as person who has two big hit films, and owns a red sports car. As you are reading this guide, I, the author, will assume you are obviously a ‘wannabe’ director, wanting to learn the ways of the ‘showdown’ director.
Chapter 1 – You, the Director
First of all, as a ‘wannabe’ director it’s your duty to never separate fact from fiction. Technically your a ‘wannabe’ director, however if people ask, your officially a ‘showdown’ director. Be prepared to back this up though. People may start asking you questions about your recent films and its ideas, themes, etc. The solution for this confrontation can either result in disaster or absolute glory, depending on how you handle it. As a director, you are believed to have a ‘special insight’ into film making. However, let’s face it, you don’t. But don’t let that stop you. Create an insightful speech, practise it daily in front of the mirror, talk about your latest film, talk about themes, ideas, symbolism, if it didn’t have any, well just pretend it did. Make a small short film, use symbols and themes; flood your film with the stuff, even if it creates no plot or storyline what so ever. For instance, film a thirty second shot of a white cross, with a crow perched on the top, grasping a white rose in its beak. You or anybody normal wouldn’t have a clue what this means, so you can create a meaning. Simply state that it’s representing the death of Christ, and that he was innocent and pure. The movie critics really dig this kind of stuff. Just be careful though, as symbolism isn’t universal, for instance, in Columbia blue represents soap. For the Jews blue represents Holiness, make sure you know who the intended audience of your film first.
Chapter 2 – Money is Everything
Making your film can be challenging. Money is the biggest difficulty. As we all know money can be very hard to come by. However in the world of film making, it’s simple. The best and most efficient way of creating a big budget is to borrow funds from huge financial institutions, or simply put, rob a bank. That’s right, it’s at this point your future will be decided. If you’re caught, well good luck, you get to make films for all the inmates at you local prison. If this happens, it’s advised to avoid the romance genre. If you’re not caught, you’re onto the next step to becoming a ‘showdown’ film director. Some people may resort to family for support. This is not recommended however, as that does technically classify you as ‘stingy director’ and as you know, your image is everything. With the money and budget in place, all you need are is the cast and equipment. If you already have the equipment read on. If you don’t, find the nearest local camera store, if you have enough money, buy it, if you don’t, steal it.
Chapter 3 - The Stars and Wannabes
Like directors, there are two types of cast. There’s the ‘wannabe’ and the ‘star’. Your next door neighbour who spends hours in the mirror, but cant actually act is classified as a ‘wannabe’. Then there’s the Tom Cruise like cast, the ‘star’ sort. For your first film, and every other film you make, you will work with the ‘wannabes’. Now although they can’t act, they are actually better than the ‘showdowns’. If you hire a ‘showdown’ cast, you need to create contracts, special payments, arrange catering, etc. Generally what’ll end up happening is the cast will become ‘distracted’ half way through filming the project. They may become alcoholic, or even throw phones at poor hotel receptionists. If this happens, your film can be delayed, as you can’t have a star who’s drunk, or a star being escorted by heavily armed policeman. Therefore you need to invest more of the ‘borrowed’ funds into sending the star to a rehabilitation centre. That’s time and money lost.
Chapter 4 - Directing Your Film
When filming, it’s always important to remain calm. If you have a ‘wannabe cast’, that can’t act, don’t worry. If you really hate the actors and their acting, there’s a fair chance the audience will as well. Therefore the best solution is to kill the character off at the ending of you film, it’s a superb climax to a film. The entire cast and crew will look at you for direction, it’s your job to nod and just say ‘that way’ and then just hope to hell you don’t run aground. If by some chance it does happen, turn and blame the most unimportant crew member, usually your gaffer, yell at him and blame him in front of everyone, chances are, they’ll join in and then you will be free of blame, even though you are the director.
Chapter 5 - Presenting to the Audiences
When presenting your film never be too modest. If at some point the audience laugh or even smile at your film, simply say ‘Oh, I hated that part, could have been better if the gaffer had done that job right.’ If they simply stare and show no reaction, you need to panic, as this means your film is not as good as you hoped, probably a thousand times worse. Simple solution, do the ‘blame the gaffer trick’, blame the weather, whatever takes your fancy. Blame it. If the audience understand, you’ve escaped full criticism from the pain in the a*** critics. If this happens, you haven’t succeeded in a big hit film, so you need to go and try again, rob another bank. If you succeeded, well you need to make another film, so again, rob another bank.
By Tom Sherrell
