The Silence Script

SpecialFX · Post by **SpecialFX** » Mon Jun 21, 2004 12:37 am

Please read this comment on it im new to script writing.

The Silence

Woods-camera panning focuses in on two men walking

In front of the two men

(Stop to get water)

Matt-So how much farther anyway?

Chris-Not much farther lets just following me.

Matt-Okay, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a good thing you know where we are going cause I have no idea

Setting up Camp

Chris-Matt throw me the sleeping bag.

Matt-Gotchya (throws sleeping bag)

Matt-Where should I put the food bag?

Chris-Just toss it over there (points to mattÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s sleeping bag)

Chris-ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the first time I have ever run away and not been caught.

Matt-Yeah I know, me too.

Chris-well I m pretty tired I m going to go to bed.

Matt- I m not really that tired IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll be up a little longer.

Night time

(A mysterious man is sneaking around the camp)
Close up on his hands going through the food bag
(He gets out some food and crumbles it up onto MattÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s face leaving the wrappers on the ground around him)
(Man fades out)

Next Morning

Chris-We better get moving lets grab something to eat and go

Matt-It should be in my bag over there (points)

Chris-(scrounging through the bag) seriously where is it?

Matt-I donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t know I put it in the bag!

Chris-Well itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not in there! WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all over your shirt?(looking at the crumbs)

Matt-I didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t eat it! (Yelling)

Chris-You Liar! (Yelling)

Chris-(Pushes Matt)

Matt-(Pushes back)

Chris-(Punches Matt)

Matt-(Punches Chris in gut)

Chris-(jumps on Matt and punches him repeatedly)

Chris-(gets up) whatever, I m Leaving!

Matt-Wait! Wait!

Chris-(leaves)

Matt-(confused wanders around lost and then black outs)

Matt-(wakes up from the sound of a gun shot he then wanders around again)

Matt-(sees something on the ground and goes to check it out)

Matt-(realizes its Chris) Oh my god! Oh my god!

Camera now looking at shadows of 2 figures
(one figure is holding a gun to the other figures head gun shot sound one figure crumbles to the ground)
Close up on ChrisÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s bloody dead face with eyes open

Fades out into credits

justsomeguy · Post by **justsomeguy** » Mon Jun 21, 2004 3:01 am

(A mysterious man is sneaking around the camp)
Close up on his hands going through the food bag
(He gets out some food and crumbles it up onto MattÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s face leaving the wrappers on the ground around him)
(Man fades out)

you got that from lord of the rings huh?

Chris-Matt throw me the sleeping bag.

Matt-Gotchya (throws sleeping bag)

Matt-Where should I put the sleeping bag?

youll probably want to change that a little, most people when they talk dont say hand me that rake, watch me use that rake im putting the rake away now. theyd say hand me the rake, watch what im doing, im putting it away
i didnt really get the ending out that was in a kinda good cool way

Themovieman44 · Post by **Themovieman44** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 10:07 pm

OKay your script sucks a**. Lets start by fixing el formatting. It would be best to format the script and post a link. That would be easier and better to read. You dialog, well like justsomeguy fix el dialog. It is.....robotic. You don't speak like that naturally. f*** me twice over and a thrid time for your mother: Jesus you parenthetical references are awful. They need to be action not freaking..... just freaking there!!!!!!!! Fix the freaking every damn thing. God! People need to post shite worth reading, stop you arseholes.

SpecialFX · Post by **SpecialFX** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 10:24 pm

How about you actually help me make it good, instead of just telling me its garbage!

Themovieman44 · Post by **Themovieman44** » Tue Jun 22, 2004 11:57 pm

Because it is. I told you what to do to make it good now make it good!

justsomeguy · Post by **justsomeguy** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 2:56 am

Because it is. I told you what to do to make it good now make it good!

you told him to do what i said and make a link to it so the formatting would be right. i dont think it matters so much about the formatting for this since your just letting epople know what its about mostly. oh yeah you also said to f*** you 3 times

Themovieman44 · Post by **Themovieman44** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 5:35 am

Ah you are great at stating the obvious......Also I might add, I don't really care what you think. He wanted to know what we thought so I told him. Well quite bluntly might I add.

film fanatic · Post by **film fanatic** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 10:52 pm

Harsh.... :S We're here to help, not flame

Truggy · Post by **Truggy** » Wed Jun 23, 2004 11:14 pm

called scaring people away from the forum :dammit:

Montage · Post by **Montage** » Mon Jun 28, 2004 12:13 am

The script isn't bad but as some people have said its too robotic. I didn't think there was enough conversation in it. I think that instead of starting the scene on the line "Matt-So how much farther anyway?" I think u should start with some small chat, start at the end of a conversation. something a conversation about the hottest girl they know or something which fits the characters.

The characters need to show more emotion, have the characters telling a joke or maybe joking around about how they managed to run away, maybe have a story how the almost got caught but managed to get out if it.
The conversation "Chris-ThatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s the first time I have ever run away and not been caught.
Matt-Yeah I know, me too." seems far too forced as your trying to give the viewer more infomation. You need to have a more natural conversation, as i said before have the characters telling each other how they got away with it.

lukeprausnitz · Post by **lukeprausnitz** » Mon Jun 28, 2004 10:19 pm

some of the dialogue seemed a abit stale eg "Matt throw me the sleeping bag. " just didnt seem like the kind of thing you would say in a normal conversation

camiziodeltoro · Post by **camiziodeltoro** » Fri Jul 02, 2004 5:12 pm

It would be more like:
Chris: "Throw it to me Matt...."
Matt: "throw what?"
Chris: "You idiot, what is it you're holding in your hands"
Matt: "uuuhh a sleeping bag?"
Chris: "yes, so throw it to me"
Matt: "Why would i want to do that for, Chris?"
Chris: "Or else i'll kick your teeth in, f*ckhead"
matt: "well, since you are asking so gently"
Matt throws Chris the bag
Mat"t: "but what should i be sleeping in now?"
Chris "your underwear, matt, that's what it is for"

see what i mean? now they got characters
Matt is a dumb sucker and chris is a tyranical bully

Rampage4 · Post by **Rampage4** » Sun Jul 25, 2004 9:31 pm

That wouldn't work as a movie in itself. Fix the dialogue and that and maybe it could be the opening for a movie. Like, you know in films like Wrong Turn, Scream and stuff like that, they have a quick scene of someone being brutally murdered which introduces the bad guys and the threat, because so far, all that script is good for is two people getting brutally murdered.

blue_dirt · Post by **blue_dirt** » Fri Jul 30, 2004 11:25 pm

camiziodeltoro's version is far more exciting...just the value of keeping the audiences attention is far more attractive,a nd life like. it flows more.

I3lade203 · Post by **I3lade203** » Sat Jul 31, 2004 1:01 am

He did this movie already.. I saw it